They say, “Experience is the best teacher”;
Don’t let my experience happen to you.
A few days before my son’s twenty-first birthday he committed suicide by jumping off the roof of an eleven-story building. Thus, becoming a casualty of an extremely unhealthy divorce and child-raising style.
When my ex-wife and I first met we did what everyone does; we let love lead the way in a lot of our initial bonding decisions. It never dawned on us to discuss matters that would impact our lives in profound ways before they happened: marriage, religion, child-raising, etc. All we knew is that we wanted to be in each other’s arms forever, and so after about six months of passionate romance, we rush off and got married.
(Actually, it was not exactly like that… She was a German resident who wanted to become an American citizen and asked for my help. The marriage was only supposed to last for a certain amount of time and then, if I wanted, we could revert to being just lovers and friends. The longer we stayed together, the more I liked her, and we committed solidly to the marriage.)
Not once did a discussion of disciplinary styles come up (even though it was not a matter of style that killed our son, it was something else). Eight years into the marriage we decided that it was time to have children (so all our decisions were not rash and impulsive). On September 15, 1987, we brought a boy child into the world, that is when the trouble began.
Our child disciplinary tactics stood in stark contrast to one another; she was …
It couldn’t have been my child’s fault that what happened, there must be a mistake kind of person, and I was an if the facts demonstrate that he did it, then he did it! Kind of person.
I made the mistake of allowing her to lead in most instances in deciding whether our son needed to be disciplined or not and in short, because in her mind, nothing was ever his fault for the first five years of his life there was no need for him to be disciplined.
At first, I did not see a problem with supporting a family member from the perceived, hostility of others. I even jumped on board for a brief period: Once, when my son was about six, there was a knock on our door early one evening. When I opened the door there was a man and his eight-year-old daughter standing there. The man launched into a tirade about how my son punched his daughter in the stomach and that he wanted something to be done about it. I, and my ex-wife, listened politely. When he was done, I closed the door, looked at my son, did not say a word, and continued doing what I was doing. My ex hugged him and promised not to let the bad man bother us again. That was one of several growing instances where we did not take appropriate action and hold my son accountable.
A few months after that incident, I received a call from my ex. She wanted me to go to my son’s school and attend to an issue involving our son because she had gotten a call from the Vice Principal.
When I got to the school my son was in the Vice Principal’s office with the Vice Principal. The Vice Principal asked me to have a seat and told me how my son had hit another child in his stomach (a pattern was beginning to develop). I listened patiently took custody of my son and told him that I would take care of it.
I do not believe in corporal punishment, but I do believe in fear. When I got my son home, I took off my belt, hit it in the palm of the opposite hand that I was holding it in, and said, “If I EVER get a call like that again I was going to spank him” and sent home up to his bedroom to think about his behavior.
When my wife came home, she when upstairs to where my son was. (I could hear crying and tearful talking.) When she came downstairs, she had my son in tow, she walked right up to me and excoriated me in from of him for threatening to spank him. The next day, she stayed home from work, and the three of us went down to the school to see the Vice Principal, before he could open his mouth, she let him have it. “How dare he blame her child for the acts of another, etc.etc.” Soon after that (and because of it), we divorced, and it got worse and worse.
By the time, my son was nineteen my ex had, not just protected him but never once disciplined for brushes with the police, intimidating his sister, and violently dominating their living environment (punching holes in walls and breaking lamps and tables in an argument, that kind of thing).
He was completely out of control. Once while I was out of town, he came by my house, against my instructions, got into a fistfight with my new wife, and they both wound up in jail. In court, I attempted to get the judge to do what I was unable to do and discipline him by forcing the entire group of us into counseling.
Two days before we were all supposed to go to counseling, he threw his last tantrum and killed himself by jumping off a building. By not doing the right thing by him at an early age (hold him responsible for his actions and punish him when necessary) my wife and I killed him with our inaction.
We live in a generation that hates punishment: When I was a child I grew up in a “to spare the rod, spoil the child” environment. We received spankings for just about everything and from everybody.
At that time not only did your parents spank us, but other people did as well: schoolteacher, pastor, neighbor, everybody. We hated it so much that we swore that we would never spank our children went we grew up.
While that is an okay position to have, and I agree with, it seems that we, as a society, have swung too far to the other side and do not reprimand our kids harshly for anything. We have adopted a ONE SIZE FITS ALL mentality that is not suited for all children.
Sometimes you must put your foot down and insist that your child toes the line and does what you tell them, and if your child is the kind of child that only responds to a light spanking, so be it. It must be done “in the best interest of the child”.
In the end, I would like to say that good parenting is not following in the footsteps of someone else or doing what you FEEL is right. To get the result that you want and keep your child safe, you must do what is necessary. Before giving me a spanking, my mother used to say, “This is going to hurt me a lot more than it is going to hurt you”. At the time I did not know what she meant, now I do. It meant that spanking me was not what she wanted to do, it was what she had to do.
Thank you for your support, referrals, and recommendations. May you have everything that you want and want everything that you have.
—- MB